Trippin'

I planned it. I bought the tickets before they were off the phone that night. It essentially was my fault we were going... good or bad. I knew I would have to live with the outcome. The scariest part is the unknown. People can be one way on the phone, and entirely different face to face. That is the part that just freaked me out.

John and Steve have been down the road, so to speak. There was so much anger built up that started years and years ago. It has been out of control on both sides for a long time. A struggling parent deals with a headstrong willful child and challenges will always be there. In hindsight, it is because they are sooooooo much alike. It is almost like they are a clone instead of different people.

Steve and his son have been getting back in touch with each other over the phone for about a year now. They have talked about a lot of different things over the phone... hours and hours and hours. It was good. Sometimes it was not so good. But they kept talking. I did not talk to John. I was on the outside watching this budding relationship grow. It was a positive thing to see, but feeling part of John's anger was initially directed at me I was not sure really where I stood in the big picture.

I had heard so many things over the years from the family. Some of them were true. Some of them were just pure bullshit.

"John is straight up. You will always know where you stand with him, even if you don't like it." (True.)

"John wants retribution on you. Don't ever get in a place where you are alone with him." (Bullshit.)

"John hates women." (Big bullshit.)

"John is the neatest kid you will ever meet." (True)

and the list goes on and on. 90% of the crap I was fed was bullshit.

The days leading up to our trip to Oregon got harder and harder for me. It is easier I guess to take in the negative comments. Anyway, those were the ones shouting at me loudest. Little tiny insignificant crap that happens on a daily basis in life became magnified into monumental issues. I held up a tough facade because I didn't want to share with Steve how scared I really was. That only made things worse for myself. What a dipshit.

I got on the plane in KC with my stomach in knots. We didn't have a car rented on the other end. John insisted he and Melanie pick us up. We were scheduled to go camping for a few days on the coast. If it all went to hell in a handbasket we were screwed.

As we landed in Salt Lake, my knotted stomach became stone. I would have gladly payed out the ass and bought a ticket to anywhere else. Anywhere but Portland, Oregon.

As we landed in Portland, I knew I was going to have a heart attack at any moment. Everything I had consumed in the last week was knocking at my tonsils. Did I really have to deplane????? Can't I just sit here a while longer???

We walked down the concourse. No John. Steve can't see him anywhere. Oh shit. I reach back to get the cell phone and I heard a man say, "So are you going to just walk past us or what?"

Oh my god. This is real.

John reached for his dad and gave him a big hug. Melanie, his fiance, hugs Steve too. They have spent many hours on the phone as well. I have never spoken to either of them. Ian is being very quiet. My little psychic baby can feel the tension in us.

John said hello to me and I stuck out my quivering clammy hand to shake. He reached over (in a classic "Steven" move) and gave me a bear hug. What??? My mind is spinning.

So we set off to fetch our camping gear we had flown out, find their car, and mosey to Roseburg where they live. It gave Mel and I time to talk on the way. I discovered there is another woman in the world that is like me. It is uncanny the things we have in common... besides Howell men. Mel and I have been relatives in a former life... that much is obvious.

We stayed up until wee hours of the morning the first night, just getting to know each other. We laughed, talked, drank, and connected in a very special way. It was going very well, but I knew there were some topics still to come up eventually that would either make or break the week. I waited.

Off to the coast we went. If you have never been there, it is hard to describe. There just aren't words in my tiny vocabulary to describe the majestic beauty of the Oregon coast. Our campground was among towering fir trees, wild fuscia, blackberry brambles loaded with fruit, salal, and heaven knows what else, but it is all gorgeous.

Every day we were there was spent in long long conversations, playing on the sand, feeding a campfire in the fog, and staying up until daybreak 3 out of the 4 nights.

I have to say this. I didn't really want to go initially. I wanted Steve to have his son back in his life is a positive way. I wanted to stay on the outside due to fear and ignorance of the situation. But then I came to the conclusion all I wanted out of the vacation was to see Steve and John sit and talk. Talk or scream or cry or whatever it took, but just communicate.

I got what I wanted.... and so much much more. I got to see my husband reconnect with a son he thought was lost to him forever, and I got a friend and new family member in John and Melanie and their daughters. It was the best experience I have had in years. It honestly was the first time I traveled that I didn't want to go home at all.

I struggled all the way to the airport on Friday. We had to leave. I wanted to sob. I felt like I was leaving home, not returning home. It sucked. When John hugged me at the airport, I couldn't even talk. I knew if he did I would lose my cool and cry like a baby. I cried anyway, but not like I wanted to. I honestly felt like wailing. It was quite a weird sensation for me. I noticed he kept his sunglasses on and didn't talk much either.

John, I don't know if you will ever read this. Just know I feel blessed to have met you and your family. The healing that took place during our week at Harris Beach is one of the high points of my life.

With all my heart, thank you.