Fathers Day

Yesterday was Fathers Day. I sent my dad a card but I didn't call him. It was probably wrong not to phone, but truly the card said everything I felt for Pops, basically saying thanks for raising me and having patience to let me fall in my own mess, all the while loving me no matter what.

My dad gave me some great memories growing up. Right now, I am the same age he was when I was little. I now understand the stresses and the pressures he was under. Dad never (well almost never) pushed it off on me and my sister. The little things we went through are hilarious now, even if at the time I thought I was going to be in trouble for at least a couple of years.

Here are some of my favorite memories, good and bad, so indulge me as I ramble about my Daddy.

Early memory.... Dad raised hogs and cattle on the farm. We lived in town, so for me it was cool to get to go to the farm and hang with my dad and grandparents. (Who might I add were beyond cool for a kid) I remember going into the farrowing house when dad was docking tails and clipping teeth. He made me his helper (I thought I was the true shit at that point) and I got to catch the pigs and hand them to him. Understand these pigs were maybe 3 pounds soaking wet, so to a five year old, I had arrived. I caught them by their little curly tails and drug them to dad with his waiting nippers. I remember him laughing at me as they squealed and I fretted. Thinking back on it, and having raised pork for many years myself, my god I was not in a safe place, those sows were on the edge of attack, but I always felt safe when my dad was around.

We took a vacation to Colorado when I was seven. My little sister didn't go so I know I was very young. Dad was a wonderful person to travel with, and he took me and mom to a campground deep in the mountains. We took a hike up to a crater (damned if I can remember where this was, only that it was a crater we hiked to). Mom..... hold the story, little sis might not have gone because mom was still pregnant, that would make me six..hhmmm.... I think that is the way it was... ANYWAY, dad and I hiked up the mountain and mom hung back, the altitude was getting her. We found the most wonderful patch of alpine strawberries. I remember the intense sugary strawberry flavor in each and every berry. We hunted and picked like a couple of bears. The berries were warm from high altitude sun but tiny as can be. Not these flavorless giants that are pretty but taste like crap, no, these were the size of sugar cubes and twice as sweet. Pretty cool for a kid to experience.

The same trip a cougar visited the campground in the night, knocking over the trash cans and spreading junk everywhere. We had a pop-up trailer and somehow a tin can got lodged where it had to fold to put the top down. Mom and Dad both tried to get it out, but alas, their arms were too big. Dad called me over and said, "Kid, stick your scrawny arm in there and get that can." He always called me kid. Still does in fact.

I was so damn proud to retrieve that can. I was helping my daddy.

Then there was the time I was getting ready for school. Dad was getting ready for his daily trip to the farm and without heat upstairs, everyone opted to dress in the living room to avoid frostbite. Dad dressed, drank his coffee, kissed us goodbye for the day, and out he went. I had brownie scouts that day and had to wear my mandatory uniform. Dress, sash, tie, socks. Crap, my socks are gone. "MOM! My socks are gone!" I knew I brought everything down. I was in deep shit now because my socks were nowhere to be found. Mom was getting madder by the minute and then we saw it. There laid dad's black socks. Anger erupted into rolling laughter as we realized dad had worn my brownie scout socks instead of his own. Yes, we jabbed him good about that one when we all got home for the evening. Dad, you little cross dresser.

Dad had his times of stress also. It could not have been easy living in a house with three females, but it couldn't have been that bad either. I was laying on the living room floor in front of our living color TV watching a show titled "It's a free country". Dad came home after a long day at work and asked me what I was watching. I nonchalantly answered, "Its a free country" and the fight was on.

"By God no damn kid of mine is going to talk to me like that in my own home!" He was truly pissed at me. He thought I was lipping off to him. I tried to explain it was the name of the TV show, but he was furious. I really don't remember dad ever being that mad before or since that incident. It's funny now (Yes dad, it really is funny to remember the look on your face) but at the time I thought my dad was pissed at me. Nothing in the world made me feel worse than the feeling of my daddy being upset with me. Yeah, I know, I was a self centered little shit, but I was daddy's little princess, and loved every minute of it.

There are the times of life lessons too. Dad, for as long as I can remember, even into adulthood, has told me,"You can do anything you set your mind to." Good advice dad. I have used that one hundreds of times. When the dream seemed out of reach, when the load got too heavy, when I just wanted to quit here would come that voice from the heart... you can do anything you set your mind to.

Dad, I have tried to give that one to my children. I hope they know it came from you.

As I write this, not all the memories I have a sweet ones. Some of them are hard to deal with, some of them are embarrassing, some of them are just down right uncomfortable.

As a little child I would run to dad and give him a kiss before he left for work. I remember the day I decided I was too big for that mush anymore. Dad stood there waiting for me and I informed him in my too-grown-up voice I was a big girl now and couldn't do that anymore. The look on his face still sticks in my memory. I am sorry Daddy. If I had a do-over in life, I would choose to do over that day for sure. I missed it after I stopped, and wish with all my heart I could do it every day now. At the time I didn't know how to fix it. I still don't. I just remember how hurt he looked as he stood at the door. As soon as he left, I knew I had done something wrong. I ran to the door, but he was gone. A moment in time for us had passed and I blew it.

Dad was brilliant in math. It was a gift he didn't pass on to me, I could do it, I just didn't like it. High school algebra was a class I hated, my teacher was entirely too strange for me to deal with. (she never shaved her arm pits or wore deodorant. Now I understand she was just a free spirit, but then she was just weird) I was failing the class, well, ok, I was getting D's, and my dad took it upon himself to visit with the principle about it. Oh my god I thought my life had ended. I now know he was trying to get a handle on a child who was bucking the reins, but at the time I was so embarrassed. None of my friends parents visited the school. I just wanted to blend in and be a teen clone to all the "cool" kids. What an idiot I was. My parents grounded me for six weeks until my grade came up (I thought I was in hell) but it worked. My grade got better, and realized I had to tow the line at least a little bit. From that point on, I was sure that Dad, Mr. Erwin, and Mr. Schultz were watching my every move. They probably weren't but I was 'scared straight' so to speak.

I went through a really really tough time in my life when my marriage broke up. Dad came over everyday to just sit with me. I think he was making sure the kids got fed and I actually got out of bed. There were lots of days when neither happened if he didn't come over. It is all hard to remember, a bit like looking at a movie through the bottom of a beer glass, but Dad would sit there with me in the kitchen, and just let me rant. Now I can see how important it was for me to have him there. It would have been much much harder had Dad not come over.

We have had our fights. We have had our funny times. No matter what, I love my Daddy. He has been a rock for me when I needed it. At times that rock smashed my fingers, but I needed it. He gave me enough rope to hang myself when life had a lesson to teach me, and I have the rope burns to prove it, but I needed those too. And through it all, he was always there to scoop me back into a pile and tell me.....

"You can do anything you set your mind to."

I love you Daddy.