Things I've learned this week

I've learned a lot this week. Things like standing up for yourself and telling someone off even if it means burning some bridges. Check. Did that Tuesday.

I learned I see "immediate" and not long term. Ouch. Learned that one the hard way. See my bruise? Yeah, that's the one... right around my left eye. Unfortunately, I am afraid I will continue to be this way. No apologies on my part.

I learned some people are just dicks when they get behind the wheel of the car, no matter how nice they are face to face. ....and yes, I might just be one of those people.

I learned Lowe's changes the formula on paint without telling you, and there is no way in hell to get it to match. Thank the fluffy muff they gave me a free gallon otherwise I would have had to rip someone's head off.

I learned I do not like student massage. It is akin to shopping at Big Lots and finding a really great deal. Sometimes it happens... sometimes it doesn't and you come away feeling abused. Yeow.

I learned my cat is a trouble maker. Little shit.

I learned I really don't like the holidays. No. Recind that. I already knew that.

I learned living in the city means you sit in line for 45 damn minutes to wash your car. Yes. I said fourty five damn minutes. Jeezus. Can't these people see I have better things to do?

I learned there is more than one person in the world with the "big picture" ability than my hubby possesses and unfortuantely (or fortunately) I am going into business with him. ~shit~

I learned I like tequila and orange juice.

I learned tobacco is a curse from hell.

I learned I really don't like cold weather. Oops. Recind again. Just remembered I knew that. Still hate the shit.

I learned there really are some wonderful people in my life and they have loved on me like nobody's business over this journey of starting my own practice. Thanks to you. You know who you are.

I am "learning" to like being 43. Things that used to really tear me up are not so bad. (maybe I better write that down and keep it in my purse)

When I thought about this entry on my way home today, I had a TON of stuff. Now... I just can't remember most of it. Might be the tequila, might be the seasonal depression, might be the fact my brain is going eight thousand different directions trying to cover every angle of getting a business in a metropolitan area up and sucessful. I don't know.

If I remember more, I will be sure and tell ya.

As usual, the snow (which was really pretty for a 13 inch snow) is gone. Warm days took all my kids fun away, but resuced my car from the salt coating. Now the view is just brown and shitty again. Mother Earth rests, I freeze for a couple of months, but spring is just around the corner... right? Right???

Lie to me. Really. I want you to.

So I have decided on paint, ordered curtains, moved my table into my office, and still have to get a chair, an end table, and a lamp and I will be open for business. My most significant guide tells me not to worry. My new business partner tells me not to worry. My cohorts tell me not to worry. Still I worry. It's the whole marketing thing. I gave up being shy years ago, but actually getting someone to commit to an appointment is difficult. I know it is all in the presentation and the language, but it is a skill I am still working out. I hope like hell I can find the cash to make it through until the skill is honed.

Mom & Dad gave me a portable chair for Christmas, and that will help make a little bit of scratch, as long as A. keeps funneling me jobs. BTW, Thank you Mom & Dad! Every little bit helps!

Remember the dog I was ready to give away? Update.... still ready to give her away... primarily because she has NO concept of living with someone who is NOT a morning person. Honestly, I wish I could get it across her little mind I do not enjoy having a slobber-ridden chew toy dropped on my legs before my second cup of coffee in the morning. Hey, I will play, And I will enjoy it, just not before the pot is empty.

Got my chimney checked yesterday. I could not wait to burn a real fire in my very own fireplace. So here's the story .... feel free to visualize.

The chimney guy tells me I have a short flue, so it needs to be warmed before building a fire. No problem! I have a gas starter. I turn the starter on, wave my lighter around it. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Oh Yeah! The gas must be off in the basement. So downstairs I go, find the valve, turn it on, back upstairs I go, turn on the starter again and wave my lighter. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Ok, at this point I am thinking I want something longer than my hand with a baby bic in it. So I get a couple of strands of spaghetti (yes, works well as a match) and light 'em up.

I am waving them under the starter .... WHOOOOOSH!..... Now I got a flame!

SHIT!!!! It is coming out around the bricks in the firebox! Ohshit ohshit ohshit.

Now for those of you that know me, I have already endured one house burning to the ground. I am in a full blown panic attack at this point trying to get the gas shut off, get all the valves closed, and hoping like hell my house is not in mortal danger. Uncontrolled fire is not something I wish to experience again.

Yes, it is funny now. Hell, the guy at the gas company even got such a good laugh out of my story he sent someone over just to check and make sure everything was ok. They don't do that anymore because of man-power issues, but he said my story was worth sending someone just because I made him laugh. I bet I was the talk of the MGE emergency number office.

End result? The joint to the burner is leaking. We decided to do without the luxury of a starter and just do the damn thing. Turned off the gas again, and built me a nice little fire.

aaahhhh.......... wood heat........ nothing like it.

Ahhhhhhh..... December 6 and no more class...no more clinic.... no more spoonfed politics. It is great, but my stress level is reaching choke heights. Wonder why? Because it is the holidays, I have to get my business up and running by January 1, and because its the holidays... did I already say that?

Oh well. Deal.

It is snowing like a bitch outside right now. Hubby is gone all night to push snow because these fucktards in this city don't have a clue how to drive in bad weather. How hard is the concept to grasp... slow the hell down?? Don't ride the brake?? Don't romp on the gas to get out of the parking lot if someone is coming at you?? I went to help a friend fix up her house today and the snow hadn't started. By the time I left about three hours later, I went by at least 15 wrecks. Jezzuss people. Have you Ever been behind the wheel of a car before?

Yeah, I have had my share of vehicle mishaps. I remember one time riding in the car with my mother, she was white knuckling it all the way, I was a mere 17 years old, so you KNOW at that point I knew everything. Yep, we ended up in the ditch, but it was a soft landing. But I was 17 fercrist sake!

oh well. Tomorrow will bring yet another round of my continually growing road rage as I slide my way to the grocery store. Hopefully Bubba and his buddies will stay the hell home.

Completion

This is it. The final week of classes. Less than a year ago I started a journey to learn about massage therapy, and as of this Friday I will have finished the first step. It's been difficult, political, delightful, exhausting, and so worth every second of time. I look forward now to learning Lomi Lomi in March and having that to offer clients seeking to relax and de-stress.

Last week we demolished our living room, textured the walls (courtesy of yours truly), painted, and brought our brick fireplace back to life. Just in time since it went from 60 degrees and tornado warnings to snow the next day... so my house is in a state of disorganization, but hey, it's gonna look good soon! To top off our thanksgiving break, we went and painted my parents house. Now I am really tired of remodeling. :)

Hubby says today we need to get a tree. 'Spose that means I better stop the surfing and finish cleaning up the house. ggrrrr......

Where's that maid when I need her?

I am thankful for:

I am Thankful :


for the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

for the kid who is complaining about doing dishes because it means he is at home, not on the streets.

for the taxes I pay, because it means I am employed.

for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

for my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

for a lawn that needs mowing, for windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because that means I have a home.

for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

for the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and have been blessed with transportation.


for my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.

for the neighbor that plays his music too loud, way too late, because it means I can hear.

for the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I am alive.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

Yep, I am FOURTY THREE. oh my..............

Yep, it's my damn birthday. I am sooooo Maxine.

So there. I love you all, but, hey.

Btw ........... Mom and Dad, Thanks so much. The card you sent ment more to me than you will ever know.

I love you.

6 weeks

.... yes, six weeks is all I have left before I am officially employable as a massage therapist. It has been grueling to say the least. I never once thought of actually quitting, but there were many many days of oh shit what have I gotten myself into this time. Between the politics, the personality clashes, and the scheduling nightmares, school has/is difficult, but doable.

I have learned a lot. I have a lot left to learn, however, not at MTTI. From here on out, the general consensus is to get CEU's from the source. Dear hubby is not to sure about the month I want to spend in Big Sur, California, or the two week retreat to Hawaii, or even the weekend intensive road trip to Wisconsin, but he will eventually. And I will have some amazing skills as a result.

Ever had Esalen or Lomi Lomi??? If you can get it, do it. You won't regret it. It makes me feel like I am on another plain. The totality of the touch you receive will blow your mind. Expensive to get, but worth every cent.

Promise.

On a side note, I gotta get a damn job. I hate this part. I love working. I love long days and satisfaction of being just a cut above for my client. I hate asking for a job. It's my baggage, and unfortunately it is strapped on firmly. ~sigh~ must be that whole "pride" thing.... or just the independence that was instilled in me from birth.

Thanks dad. Gee thanks.

:)

As I sit here with my morning coffee, my heart is just not in it to write. Yesterday was not fun. It started out fun, but went crashing in flames as the minutes ticked along.

I went to school early to trade massage with Steph. After visiting with the administration about job placement locally, I went to find my friend. I could tell instantly there was something wrong. She lives with her sister who is a labor and delivery nurse. Karen had been through hell at work, C-sections, fetal demise, (oh and what the hell kind of phrase is that anyway and can the medical establishment come up with a MORE fucked up way to deal with grief? ) ... just all kinds of shit. I agreed with Steph, it was horrid and she needed a massage.

So that went well, I ripped off some new techniques from her, and we went out the door to lunch. Her phone rang and CJ was on the phone. I watched Steph break down in tears as we were walking. Oh shit, I thought. What could be wrong now? Did CJ wreck her van? Is CJ's hubby ok? Like normal, my mind just took off.

No. CJ is ok. It was our other girlfriend from school. Her daughter is pregnant. They knew it's a girl. Baby already has a name. My GF even moved into a larger apartment just to accomodate a new baby in the house. All for......

The nurse lost heart tones after placing mom on the monitor. 40 minutes later..... yes I said FOURTY DAMN MINUTES LATER she decides to get another NURSE for a second opinion.

an HOUR after that, they get someone in to do another test ...... meanwhile, this family was left in the dark, no discussion and just where the fuck was a DOCTOR?

So my GF-soon-to-be-gramma-but-not-now spent the day getting people to go to her new home and pack and remove all of baby girls things. Today my friends and I are headed over there to paint a little pink room white before mom gets home.

Sometimes life just sucks shit.

Oh! always remember to interview your doctor. After all, You pay him.

Running

I am so tired this morning. I just finished my last Thursday night of clinic (yeah!) which means no more 16 hour days. Today I have to take off for the old home town - 4 hours away. Tonight is Homecoming, and my third child is, of course, in the festivities. ugh. So in a few minutes, I load in my car, go get the oil changed first, and run head first into another 16 hour day. I'm too old for this shit.

The ex called yesterday and wants me to take child number 3 shopping for clothes to wear for senior pics on Saturday. Yikes! I am about to have 3 kids past high school age. Once again, the age thing is nipping at my heels. Was it just yesterday I was a mom to little kids? ... and now all my girlfriends and myself are grammas. DAMN IT! I love it, but can't I have my youth too???

Well, not all my girlfriends... Steph is working hard to get a job in Tortola. I hope she gets it. I need a vacation to someplace tropical. And speaking of living on an island, Jody has temporarily moved to a little village in Alaska which honestly sounds like island living in an arctic region. She is still on the mainland, however she is in a fly in/fly out situation. I think all that would play out so much nicer with palm trees and sand. Just my opinion.

Steve's band made the Blues Challenge again this year. They have some new personel on board this time, and if things go good, we just might be making a trek to Memphis this winter for the national contest. Keep your fingers crossed! Kansas City Blues Society is making some noise this year (again, new leadership). They are finally getting the politics out of the music.

Ok happy people, wish me luck and good gas mileage. I need it.....

brain dominance

Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.
Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.
Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

oh crap. now how do I go about exercising the right side of my brain? certainly I am not looking forward to having half my brain atrophy. hhmmmm....

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (28%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (70%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Word test to discover Your brain dominance

Things that make me laugh

Today's mood... left of center.

Thing that make me laugh. Stupid words like "ass gasket". Exactly what kind of mind comes up with that? Must have been a mechanic.

Street signs like "dead end". Well duh. Just where everyone strives to live.

Yesterday I had to explain to my dear friend Brian the difference between "muffins" and "muff". He brought me a calendar from Greece with ancient pornographic images, he travels the world in search of the best gay events, and I had to explain this to him? He kept calling it "muffin munching". NO Brian, it's called "muff diving". Yes, I laughed at this one.

The Jerry Springer Show. It has to be broadcast from a different planet. It's not that I can't imagine there are really people like that, but he has a constant flow of this shit. wow.

Exchanging recipes for drinks containing alcohol with my daughter. Probably not funny to most, but if you knew me before my life changed 180 degrees, you would see the humor in this.

Snarky pointed humor. Probably the silliest place I see this is a blog called PYMMOTI. This guy is outspoken and probably a sweety in real life, but onery as hell with the cover of the net.

The vision of my firefighter husband setting his own pants on fire one day. He was burning weeds by my garden, forgot he was not wearing his yellow fireproof pants, and just stood there while flames licked up his leg. I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard. Ok, I guess you had to be there.

The memory of my oldest son delivering an Oscar winning performance to a room full of pissed off parents. Hey, they were just kids, doing what boys with huge amounts of energy do. I still can't believe actually worked up a tear as he was delivering the fakest apology on record. God, Jake. You're good. You should'a gone to Hollywood. You would be in a Limo by now.

I'm just sayin'.........

It's this little things that do seem to really make folks speak up. Like the whole "breast feeding in public" bs. Hey, I did it. I remember vividly sitting in a quiet corner of the mall, totally away from everyone feeding my first child. I was totally covered as was my son when this Navy recruiter came over to me and sat down. Honest to god, he asked me if he could see.

WTF????

Apparently his wife was away with his child and he missed watching the intimacy that comes with feeding your child from your breast. Keep in mind I was barely 20 at the time, and more than a little freaked by the request. It still makes me smile tho to remember him watching me. His reaction was sweet, and not at all inappropriate. We had a good conversation while Jake got a full tummy.

Soooo...... if you don't like seeing things like that, DON'T LOOK! I don't particularly like seeing girls with their low cut jeans two sizes too small, fat dripping over the waist band and their undies showing, but nobody bitches about that. I don't relish the thought of men with nothing to brag about but how many meals they didn't miss failing to hike up their plumber pants but I don't see that making the news. (don't you have a burning desire to toss a nickle in the slot?)

My point is, breastfeeding your child is a natural process. Women with over-inflated boobs from a procedure gone wrong are not told to cover that shit up. Don't we have it a little bit backwards?

Ok, on to being a massage therapist. I am in clinic now, and yes, I have found my niche. Last week one of my clients actually gave me a hug, with tears in her eyes she related to me I have been the only person who has not hurt her during a session. Wow. I felt really bad for her, but good about myself at the same time. She is suffering from fibromyalgia, so touch can be painful. I am doing something right.

Now, if I could only find a job... I don't even care where it is, I am willing to move again, altho it bothers me to drag my kid out of his school again. Hopefully something with open up for me right here and I can get on with my life, post-school.

BTW, powerball is 240 million. If I win (I'm just sayin'....) I will still do massage.

Now THIS pisses me off.

I am a third generation farmer. I am proud of that even if I don't live on the farm any longer. My roots made me who I am, and to read this drivel from some ignorant city slicker with a mouth full of food and a refridgerator hiding science projects because he has so much excess just sets my hair on fire!

http://www.alternet.org/story/26031/?cID=45498#c45498

Read this story. Read the comments. Yes, it is bullshit what the american government has done, not only to the farmer but to the world as a whole with NAFTA. But to blame the guy out there doing it every day?? Risking life and limb for what??

OMG it makes me just want to get on my soapbox and start in. I haven't even finished all the comments myself as I am posting this. I have left a few choice comments of my own to a certain former IT worker. This person thinks because they "visited" relatives on the farm they have an inkling of what really goes on behind the scenes. NOT!

Yes, we all need to get a grip. Yes we all need to fight a good fight for this one. Point of origin labeling is a bigger deal than most will ever understand, and I mean ingredient point of origin, not processing. As consumers we need to demand this from the processors. Bitch about your first amendment rights but keep silent about what goes into and onto your body? Bad idea. Really bad idea. I personally do not like the fact my food is from unknown origins nor the clothing I wear comes from Chinese textile mills.

My neighbor is hungry, my family is hurting, my legacy is at risk. Isn't it about time we all took responsiblity at the grass roots level and demand something important?

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Yeah, this one makes more sense. Try it. It's funny.

Who Knew?

You Are Italian Food

Comforting yet overwhelming.People love you, but sometimes you're just too much.

What Kind of Food Are You?

This is silly. But this is also fun. And who knew a woman from strong Scottish decent would be Italian??

I'm gonna go do it again.

Thrill rides

Here it is Monday, and my legs are still not happy with me after tromping round the amuzement park all day on Saturday. We got free tickets so off we went with the two youngest boys in tow. They were so excited, and so was I, and dear hubby was being a good sport.

First ride out of the gate was something like a great huge swing, called the Sea Dragon, and I thought it would be a snap. Ok, either I have gotten old or that is very deceiving because it scared the crap out of me. We were there early enough in the day the lines were not a problem, so the boys wanted to get right back on.

Hmmmmm .... in hindsight I would say this was a strategic mistake. Still not willing to let my babies throw themselves onto thrill rides alone, I thought I had to go along. My stomach was on full boil by the time I got off. I told them we needed to find something easy after that.

All totalled we spent 8 hours there, rode every ride available for 52" boys, spent $15.00 on 6 small drinks, and watched Nick conquer his fear of heights when he got on a roller coaster with me that goes 205 feet in the air and travels at 75 mph. He has my thrill seeker gene. Yeah!

Can't wait to go back next year. They are building a taller, faster, suspended roller coaster. Next time, however, I will try to remember to take sling with a water bottle so I can afford to buy the pictures of my children while they are on the roller coasters.

Messages

Recently found in my mailbox. Thanks Scott. This is worth keeping.


Two Wolves



One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf wins?"



The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
wb --

Here comes Rita

I had a great post ready to go and blogger ate it. OMG this is so frustrating. At least the thoughts are still here so I will attempt to do this again. DAMN.

Texas seems to be taking this seriously. They already have supplies lined up and troups ready to go. Good. Ray Nagin should take a lesson, as well as the Gov of LA. Evacuation has already started and it is not supposed to hit until Friday.

I recieved an email from a resident of McComb MS yesterday describing the relief effort first hand. Mighty impressive except for a noticable absence of some major organizations known far and wide for lip service. I suppose this is why they are notible jaw jackers. (note: lip service, jaw jackers)

Who? Who, you say??

Well let me name names. ACLU. That's American Civil Liberties Union. Wouldn't this be a prime time for them to get involved with all the race comments being tossed around? Then there is NAACP. That's National Association for the Advancement of Colored Persons. Well now. I think that is just amazing. Bitch to high heaven but sit on your thumb and wait for someone else to do it. People for the American Way. Scream about taking care of your own and don't come to the party??? well just smack me. What the hell are you people waiting for? Monogramed invitations?

This should be classed as a hate crime. It makes me sick.

And while I am on a rant about hate crime, here, right here in my new hometown there is a couple happily trying to live their lives in surburbia. They have found dead mice and birds in their driveway. They are picking up trash from behind their car tires. They are cleaning up glass from broken windows. They have to repair their steps because some jerk kicks out their railing. In an interview on TV the ignoramous LEO states there is no way to prove this is a hate crime. He says the windows could have been broken by a rock thrown from a tire of a passing car.

WTF??????? I wonder if it is really dark when he has his head crammed that far up his own ass.

Oh! And check this shit out. When I went out online to double check my quotes and get accurate info... (thanks to John B for teaching me to be a thorough reporter) the LEO's comments had been convieniently censored out of the story.

DAMN I hate slanted journalism. It makes me reeeeallly angry.

On a side note. Anyone in the market for a nice girly type doggie? Sarah was right. She told me I would hate my dog for a while. She really is rather well behaved. Doesn't crap in the house, doesn't tear up shoes, but my backyard seems to be her personal domain. She has taken to jumping on top of the hottub to get the things I put out of her reach. Yesterday it was 20 lbs of charcoal.

Yes, Sarah. I hate this dog. She better outgrow this crap. She will outgrow it, right? Right????

Lie to me.

If you watch tv... you have to see this

Probably the biggest truth I have seen so far regarding the Gulf Coast disaster. Take a minute and check this out. You won't be sorry.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=14ewb3ap.b147fdut&Uy=nyvoby&Ux=1

No fences

Still, I sit and feel helpless.... as everyone not directly affected I am sure. The cities are being evacuated. The people are completely without. Please read this and do what you can. I know this man personally. He lives in Natchez, Mississippi. Bart Walker is walking the walk, not just talking the talk.

Let's do what we can not for just New Orleans, but for the hundreds of tiny towns affected forever. Please excuse my cut and paste.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is great to hear from you guys…I am listing some needs and prayer requests. We are getting plenty of help for supplies right now. You can give to the Red Cross and designate us, or you can give directly to us at the church. I am pasting another email for speed…thanks


It is great to hear from you. We have power now and backup generators. We were not hit bad, light storm damage and power outages. We are running a shelter for 350 people. We fluctuate between 250 and 300 now as we are moving to a long-term shelter status…as much as 2 months. You could donate towards the utilities for our operation, as running our ac units 24/7 is going to be our largest expense. We have food and other needs met locally at this time. The greatest thing you can do is pray! Here is our prayer list at this time…
1. For our staff and congregation to be filled with the Holy Spirit and wisdom for the task at hand.
2. For our staff and congregation to “not grow weary in well doing”.
3. For our staff and congregation to be good stewards of the gospel in this time of crisis.
4. For this to be the moment of racial/socio-economic reconciliation in Christ that our church and community needs.
5. For our 250-350 residents (it fluctuates daily) to be able to deal with the long-term status of being displaced and living in the unknown.
6. For abundant supplies for every need.

Thanks Steve & Lori…
Bart
Parkway Baptist Church
117 Sgt. S. Prentiss Dr.
Natchez, MS 39120




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Steve & Lori [mailto:sandl56@sbcglobal.net]
Sent: Friday, September 02, 2005 2:15 PM
To: Bart@parkwaybaptistchurch.com
Subject: Hello from KC



Hello Bart,



Steve and I have been watching the hurricane disaster unfold and are sending all the prayers and positive energy we have your way. I hope you and your family are all safe and well.



As I sit and watch the TV for some spark of positive news, it never comes, so I am writing to you hoping for the best.



If there is anything at all we can do from KC, please don't hesitate to ask. We will do whatever possible... no request is too large or too small.



Most sincerely,



Lori Howell

The unimaginable on the Southern lawn

Just like everyone else with access to news, I am dumbfounded as I watch the scenes grow ever more desperate daily. Additionally, just like everyone else, I feel helpless. The Gulf Coast is destroyed, and people are struggling simply to survive day to day. My logical mind tells me it is just a few hours from my house. Still, as I watch TV or read whatever news I can find, it seems like a scene from another country. How can people from my home be crying out for help, getting more and more desperate by the hour?

Yet, they are.

So how do I help? RedCross and my government says give cash. Ok, that is out. You can't give what you don't have. We are down to choosing between gas and groceries right now. It cost me $75.00 right now to fill my tank. Damn I am going to walk a lot.

All I have to give is me, but how? Having been on the receiving end of an amazing amount of generosity after the fire, I feel driven to pass it on. But how? From here? To who?

RedCross is calling for volunteers, and you have to be ready for a three week assignment. I want to go. I feel deeply compelled to go. I can't go.

So I sit. I gleen the news for new news. I hold my disgust as I watch the "president" deny the oil industry could give up 20% of their profits as families starve and dehydrate. It makes me sick.

I have a home. I have nothing more to give than that. If there was a way to take in a family, I would. For as long as it takes. If I only knew a way.

If you have any ideas, tell me. I am willing.

Shoulda stayed in bed

Ya know those times when you wish you would have just stayed in bed? Yesterday was that day for me. The first few hours were uneventful, spent house cleaning, emailing, ect... but then the tide turned.

Steve comes home from work daily hot and tired, so I decided to save him some work and attempt to mow the yard. Hey, I have spent many hours mowing, this is not a big task plus my yard is quite small. I didn't get 10 feet in the first swath and a rock (or a stick or some other projectile) came zinging out of the mower right into my leg. Yes, I was wearing shorts. Yes, I know that is wrong. Yes, I am an idiot with a bruise the size of a quarter on my leg.

So I pouted a while and went out to the back yard to catch up on some renagade weeds growing in my garden. Not a big deal at all until Wham! something black was on my arm and it felt like fire. Little did I know a bunch of wasps had chosen to make my fence into low-rent condos while I was gone. Bastards. Screw the weeds. They will wait.

Ok, it is about lunch time. I have had a really shitty morning. Fully entrenched in the moron zone, I decide to BBQ. Now, any sane person would take into account the type of day it had been so far but do I? Oh hell no. I am invincible! I shall now play with fire! Well, all was going as planned and I had a batch of red-hot coals in the Weber chimney, carefully (so so carefully) I dumped them in the BBQ and carried it to a place that heat would not bother. Good, right? Almost. As I was walking back to my trusty outdoor cooking device, little did I know my briquette chimney had rained little tiny (or not so tiny) embers all the way across my path. I had bare feet. You can guess the rest.

Here is a good piece of info to stack away however. Did you know that well calloused feet don't blister? They get sore as shit, but no blisters in site. Just in case anyone ever asks how to walk on hot coals.

Memories

Sunset at Harris Beach Oregon.

View of Hood from my seat on the plane.

Surf games with the brothers and the granddaughters.

Unfortunately, I won't post anything with recognizable faces... too many freaks on the net hunting for innocence, but these three pics are just a taste of heaven in the Northwest.

Trippin'

I planned it. I bought the tickets before they were off the phone that night. It essentially was my fault we were going... good or bad. I knew I would have to live with the outcome. The scariest part is the unknown. People can be one way on the phone, and entirely different face to face. That is the part that just freaked me out.

John and Steve have been down the road, so to speak. There was so much anger built up that started years and years ago. It has been out of control on both sides for a long time. A struggling parent deals with a headstrong willful child and challenges will always be there. In hindsight, it is because they are sooooooo much alike. It is almost like they are a clone instead of different people.

Steve and his son have been getting back in touch with each other over the phone for about a year now. They have talked about a lot of different things over the phone... hours and hours and hours. It was good. Sometimes it was not so good. But they kept talking. I did not talk to John. I was on the outside watching this budding relationship grow. It was a positive thing to see, but feeling part of John's anger was initially directed at me I was not sure really where I stood in the big picture.

I had heard so many things over the years from the family. Some of them were true. Some of them were just pure bullshit.

"John is straight up. You will always know where you stand with him, even if you don't like it." (True.)

"John wants retribution on you. Don't ever get in a place where you are alone with him." (Bullshit.)

"John hates women." (Big bullshit.)

"John is the neatest kid you will ever meet." (True)

and the list goes on and on. 90% of the crap I was fed was bullshit.

The days leading up to our trip to Oregon got harder and harder for me. It is easier I guess to take in the negative comments. Anyway, those were the ones shouting at me loudest. Little tiny insignificant crap that happens on a daily basis in life became magnified into monumental issues. I held up a tough facade because I didn't want to share with Steve how scared I really was. That only made things worse for myself. What a dipshit.

I got on the plane in KC with my stomach in knots. We didn't have a car rented on the other end. John insisted he and Melanie pick us up. We were scheduled to go camping for a few days on the coast. If it all went to hell in a handbasket we were screwed.

As we landed in Salt Lake, my knotted stomach became stone. I would have gladly payed out the ass and bought a ticket to anywhere else. Anywhere but Portland, Oregon.

As we landed in Portland, I knew I was going to have a heart attack at any moment. Everything I had consumed in the last week was knocking at my tonsils. Did I really have to deplane????? Can't I just sit here a while longer???

We walked down the concourse. No John. Steve can't see him anywhere. Oh shit. I reach back to get the cell phone and I heard a man say, "So are you going to just walk past us or what?"

Oh my god. This is real.

John reached for his dad and gave him a big hug. Melanie, his fiance, hugs Steve too. They have spent many hours on the phone as well. I have never spoken to either of them. Ian is being very quiet. My little psychic baby can feel the tension in us.

John said hello to me and I stuck out my quivering clammy hand to shake. He reached over (in a classic "Steven" move) and gave me a bear hug. What??? My mind is spinning.

So we set off to fetch our camping gear we had flown out, find their car, and mosey to Roseburg where they live. It gave Mel and I time to talk on the way. I discovered there is another woman in the world that is like me. It is uncanny the things we have in common... besides Howell men. Mel and I have been relatives in a former life... that much is obvious.

We stayed up until wee hours of the morning the first night, just getting to know each other. We laughed, talked, drank, and connected in a very special way. It was going very well, but I knew there were some topics still to come up eventually that would either make or break the week. I waited.

Off to the coast we went. If you have never been there, it is hard to describe. There just aren't words in my tiny vocabulary to describe the majestic beauty of the Oregon coast. Our campground was among towering fir trees, wild fuscia, blackberry brambles loaded with fruit, salal, and heaven knows what else, but it is all gorgeous.

Every day we were there was spent in long long conversations, playing on the sand, feeding a campfire in the fog, and staying up until daybreak 3 out of the 4 nights.

I have to say this. I didn't really want to go initially. I wanted Steve to have his son back in his life is a positive way. I wanted to stay on the outside due to fear and ignorance of the situation. But then I came to the conclusion all I wanted out of the vacation was to see Steve and John sit and talk. Talk or scream or cry or whatever it took, but just communicate.

I got what I wanted.... and so much much more. I got to see my husband reconnect with a son he thought was lost to him forever, and I got a friend and new family member in John and Melanie and their daughters. It was the best experience I have had in years. It honestly was the first time I traveled that I didn't want to go home at all.

I struggled all the way to the airport on Friday. We had to leave. I wanted to sob. I felt like I was leaving home, not returning home. It sucked. When John hugged me at the airport, I couldn't even talk. I knew if he did I would lose my cool and cry like a baby. I cried anyway, but not like I wanted to. I honestly felt like wailing. It was quite a weird sensation for me. I noticed he kept his sunglasses on and didn't talk much either.

John, I don't know if you will ever read this. Just know I feel blessed to have met you and your family. The healing that took place during our week at Harris Beach is one of the high points of my life.

With all my heart, thank you.

update

Well, the previous post was obviously a rant. Just when I thought that was the worst thing in the world, the phone rings. My initial self pity was instantly replaced by rage on a whole new level.

Am I the only one that thinks it is wrong to sell a child? Is blackmail legal now and I just missed the announcement? That must be it. ...because let me tell ya, I had an offer today and all I have to do is give up my last link to motherhood and I am off the hook.

What the fuck?

Is that for real?

hhmm.... if I had only........

btw.... I love my hubby, and he is wonderful. Don't even begin to think otherwise.

Bricks

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who grew up as a farmers daughter in the middle of the plains. Her childhood was plain, uneventful, even boring to some. She didn't know it at the time. It was just the way things were. Emotions were not to be dealt with openly. Basic skills like finances or how to deal with an intense disagreement were taboo to discuss. She didn't understand it would be her emotional undoing until it was too late.

Then the little girl got married to the boy next door. This event happened because she didn't trust herself. She didn't trust her ability to stand on her own two feet and face life. She feared being by herself. It was easier to hide behind a false exterior than show who she really was. She lived like this for 17 years. It almost killed her. The little girl became a fat woman to further wrap herself in protection from living her life. Her walls were high and wide. It was comfortable for the little girl.

Then the facade went away. The little girl was left alone with her turmoil. She found a new friend who made her feel wonderful about herself. This emotion was a foreign concept. It was scary, like standing on the edge of the Grand canyon. She began to feel like she could take down a few bricks from the wall. The fort around her began to crumble, and she welcomed it. She trusted. She hoped.

But there was still the inability to deal with little (or big) things. It bit her on the butt regularly. At times the little girl felt like she was living with a pitbull in the shadows, waiting to lock its jaws over the littlest things. She began to fear again.

Now the little girl is putting up the bricks again. Every promise made and broken is another brick. It is as it was. No windows in these walls.

Now the little girl has a fort to hide in again. This one is thicker than before. It is different this time. Now the little girl knew what it was like to live without the walls and wants to be free, as before. She now lives in a self imposed prison. This time it is not comfortable. This time she knows the tenuous edge of love/hope/trust. She wants all of it and more to be restored.

But, alas, the little girl waits. She waits for that glimmer announcing she can trust. She waits for that flicker of hope in the future.

She waits, counting her bricks.

Changes

School is going well. I am almost done with my technique classes. It is tough, I don't like inflicting pain, deep tissue makes me uneasy as my client is flinching on the table, so don't expect a lot of deep work from me. I can affect the body on a somatic level by gentle touch as well as one can through deep work. Or so it seems to this uneducated budding therapist.

It is hard to watch changes going on around you and not want to intercede. I know my dear friend will land on her feet as she is going through this shake down, but the mother hen in me still wants to help her... even though I know I can't. It is also hard to have my loving daughter call me in tears because her Great Dane is going to have to find yet another home. I want to rescue her from that, but can't do anything more than lend a shoulder to cry on. If it was a perfect world, the lottery would be mine tonight, all my friends and family would be out of debt, my acreage would hold all the strays I run into (human and animal), and this twisted reality we live in would become clear.

Jody, we need to meet and just have a beer and talk over what is happening. Remember when I went through the funnel? It started long before the fire, and you were always there for me. By the way, thanks for that.

I am here for you.

But SH** girl! Can't you find something slightly more tropical than Nome? Nonetheless, I'm with ya... no matter where this takes you.

Jody's blog, always my first stop is wonderful as usual. Jody, just know we would all do our jobs in our jammies if possible. In fact, can you imagine how laid back the world would be if everyone dressed this way? How can anyone be pissed at a cop wearing Sponge Bob flannels as he is writing you that ticket?

As for my wardrobe? Garage sale retro would be the best explaination I can come up with. I actually participated in a conversation lately regarding "How To Spend My Powerball Ticket". The first stop on most everyone's lips was.... go buy a bra without the elastic blowing out of the sides and hooks that won't jab you 600 times a day. A close second was underwear without holes. I would include hosery here. I finally parted with my final pair about 2 months ago when I needed to dress up for Sarah's college graduation. Needless to say her mom showed up looking like a granola queen, but who really gives a shit? :)

I can say for sure the jammie look is for me. Now if only the rest of the world would agree.

Good fences

Took Maya for a walk this morning. The humidity level must have been about 600% down by the river. Who knew I have curly hair after all these years? Let me tell ya, I do now. If I could only figure out how to make it stay that way....

Not much to discuss today. I am a bit perplexed regarding the inability to find a simple job for 3 days a week. And the unwillingness of friends to come and get a massage. And the lack of communication from people I care about. And the realization that absolutely no one reads this. Oh how do I know? because no emails came my way after I requested it. Ah, such is life, and my personal rant shall remain just that... mine.

Off to dig in the dirt and contemplate the circulatory system.

Fear Factor

My Swedish Massage class is history. The final was Thursday. Final meaning each student had to give a massage to a client we had never seen. We had to remember the entire routine and execute it with precision and confidence, keeping in mind these people were there simply to critique technique. Yes, the nerve vibe was a bit uncomfortable to say the least. Ok, lets just be honest about it... every one of us were a wreck, acting like we had only had class for a week instead of 70 hours. Alison, our teacher, did her best to calm the spiking energy, but to no avail.

I tried every thing I knew to try, sitting alone, laying on the floor, cleaning (first clue I am loosing my composure) and eventually just gave into the feeling of terror. In hindsight, I have no idea why I was overwhelmed, but I was. My techinque is good. I know that. It was the whole "do it from memory" thing that tore me up. What if my client hated it? What if I just froze?

The first group went and my group had 90 minutes of stewing to endure. This was really hard. 90 minutes can really do some classy tricks on your head when you are out of control with your stress. Trust me, my psyche even suprised me how cunning it can be. All the questions roll through like a river well past flood stage. Will I remember every nerve stroke and every petrissage? Are my fingernails short enough? Did I bring enough linens? Did I bring the right oil? Will he want creme instead? (I was assigned the only guy in the group and I don't like using creme) Is he a snot about technique? How well does he know the routine if I screw up? If I fail this massage will I have wasted our money and my time? Am I even in the right field? ohmygod..... it's time....

The first seven emerged from the room all looking totally relieved to have it over with. Glancing at the remaining seven, we are pretty wired. I wished for a miracle to happen and my head to get in the groove for this. It didn't happen.

Alison introduced me to Chuck. Not a big strapping man, just average height, but well muscled. Good. Not a lot to deal with in locating groups and landmarks. cool... breathe lori breathe... Chuck emerges in my sheets and gets on the table. All the proper questions evaporate from my head so I moved to the table and just stare blankly at the wall. Oh shit I am in it now.

Come on Lori, you know this. Just start in... I made contact and went for it. I knew I was screwed when I did the wrong turn after the face massage. It continued through the rest of the session. I forgot stretches. I forgot routines. I drained one arm and not the other. I nerve stroked one leg and not the other. I redraped before nerve stroking the back. I worked really hard to stay focused on my client and not look at the others in the room. This was a real bitch. Angela was next to me and so was Stephanie. I looked at Angela at one point and just wanted to bolt I felt so bad about delivering what I conceived to be a wretched massage. She looked so happy and confident, and I was freaking out. I didn't have the guts to look at Steph. She and I have gotten to be very good friends and I was afraid she would read me like a book.

I knew if I didn't get a grip Chuck would feel my energy and know just how crappy of a massage he was getting. An old habit cultivated from a life long practice of stuffing my feelings came into play. I kept telling myself to just get through it. Just finish. Don't run. Just finish. I did notice I was ahead of everyone else in the room. Oh shit, how much have I forgotten?

Done. Push the solar plexus. Redrape the feet. "Chuck, your massage is over." I helped him off the table and started to remove the linens. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I bolted like a rabbit, ran outside and sobbed my eyes out. I must have been outside for 15 to 20 minutes. I called Steve on his cell, he didn't answer. I cried some more. I truly knew I had just delivered the worst massage in history. It would be a miracle if he passed me at all. I fully expected to get a recommendation to retake the class. I went back in hoping he had left and I could at least get a drink of water and calm down. As I rounded the corner, Steph was sitting on the lobby benches. "Hey! Where were you?" she asked. Oh Crap! She is sitting with Chuck! He is still there!!! I bolted for the classroom because I just couldn't face him. How do you look in the eyes of a client and face the fact you are crappy and your dreams are just wasted. I am not strong enough for that.

Well, thank God for friends. Steph followed me into the classroom and then I lost it all over again. She looked at me like I had lost my mind. In her words, Chuck was sitting there barely able to communicate. She said he was completely wiped out. Oh hell is this good? He finally asked for my last name when she asked him if he was ok. Now I am sure I failed. Had to get the name right so he could tell teacher Alison how shitty I was. My energy is not subsiding.

Alison entered the room with the sentence sheets. (critique sheets) She handed mine to me and said... "wow Lori, very good!" What? What?? Yes, I freaked over nothing. Chuck loved it. I recieved all outstanding marks except for one. Care to guess which one that was? Yep... memory of sequence. For that he rated me "Above average". His comments on the back said I have a good strong touch and should be successful in the field. WooHoo!!! Successful!!! ~doing the happy dance now~

So I did it. I looked my fear of failure in the eyes and it damn near kicked my ass. During the massage I came very close to apologizing to Chuck and asking him if he minded me starting over. Now that would have been a monumental mistake. Today I feel like I will be a good therapist. I believe I can accomplish my goals and build on my dreams.

Here's the picture in my head. Standing on a wind swept beach, waves peeling perfect rights behind me, oil holster on my side loaded, ready to go, me wearing a tee shirt that says "massage therapist". Smiling. Solidly confident. Well, mostly confident. Facing my fear factors.

Camping on Quindaro

What an exciting couple of weeks I have had. Let's run down the list. Whew!

Memorial weekend we decided to take a float trip down the Niangua river. Beautiful idea in concept, may have worked had we not picked that particular campground, but a total flop in reality.

Hitch #1. We left Friday afternoon for a leisurely drive down to the Ozarks. Word from our friends who have made this trek was a 2 to 2 1/2 hour drive. It took us four hours. Traffic was backed up, stop and go, basically rolling hell for two of those four hours. Yeah, it took us two hours to just get out of the city. We took our dog with us to introduce her to camping. It is that whole "socialization" thing. She is a great puppy, but a puker. Yes, you got it, she was chucking kibble before we got on the open road. Do dogs outgrow motion sickness? hhmmm....

Hitch #2. We finally rolled into NRO campground about 9:30 pm. It was raining. Oh well, no biggie... we asked for a "wet" weekend just by going down the river right? The rain was placed firmly in the neutral column, and the campground was really remote. Well as remote as one can get on Memorial weekend in an over-populated area. As we went down the switchback road I just had a bad vibe. My red flags were aflappin' but I just bit my tongue because Steve wanted to take me down the river in the worst way. Ok. Be a big girl Lori and suck it up. As we pull up to the office to get our "reserved" campspot, we are surrounded by Way Too Intoxicated 20-somethings. (red flag #348) Who knew this was going to be a floating Daytona Beach?

Hitch #3. Reserved camp spot? What???? nope. "Sure there are camp spots left. Just drive around until you find something. Don't go toward the river, but I am sure there is plenty of space behind the store. Besides, there is more grass there." It has been a long time since anyone has just fed us a line of bullshit that wide. Grass? Grey round hard grass in the shape of stones maybe. Ok, ok. We finally found a wide spot on the trail they called a road and threw our tent up in the rain. We looked at each other, passed around the high-fives, and broke out the tequila to celebrate getting out of the city. Neither one of us was mentioning the fact we had left one city full of creature comforts for another city full of rocks and drunks. Real troopers eh?

Hitch #4. No fire. It stopped raining actively, but now we are in a solid forest with the passive rain thing. Not a problem, but a bit on the chilly side when you are edgy to begin with. (come on Uncle Quervo, warm me up) We take the alternate route and join the hoards of drunks. We kept to ourselves, but we promptly getting well rounded after the stress of the drive, ect...

Hitch #5. Neighbors. My neighbors in the apartment complex were not that close. Plus we had solid walls instead of nylon. Well,.... in the inner tent city, drunkeness lead to What? fights. Of course. What would a good camp trip be without fisticuffs? At this point I am thanking my lucky stars I out grew that 20-something bullshit (or maybe just skipped it altogether) years ago. Here's the picture, We are sitting in our damp lawn chairs, pounding down tequila to get warm, and listening to bullies scream out "who is next? You want some of this mutherfucker?" smack smack flump. "Somebody pick him up" laughing "Where's my beer?" Keep in mind this is going on all around us, not to mention throwing gasoline on fires in the middle of tent city. "My fire is bigger than yours!!" Who knew there was such a thing as a pissing contest over campfire size. Meanwhile, we are watching these two poor fools trying to put up their tent with flashlights (batteries failing). They were in the same predicament we were, but they were camping on the extreme edge of a drainage to the river. Can we say please let it stop raining? Empathy got the best of us, and we set out to take our lantern over and extend a neighborly hand. Good concept. Who knew they were just the first of their gang to arrive? Keep that word in mind. (gang)

Hitch #6. More neighbors. Success with the first group led to us feeling pretty damn good about helping these poor stupid children out, and when their friends rolled in with the same thing in mind, we once again extended the welcome pineapple. Ok, if I am old in spirit, so be it, but would someone please tell these idiots about the whole camping experience? Get your own light source. Make sure you are camping in something basically water-proof. Leave your colors at home. Saying hello is not a bad thing. When someone is helping you say fucking THANK YOU! I did my best to warm up the women in the camp because they were not having a damn thing to do with putting up the sleeping facilities. I have made a solid decision in my life. I will take a gang of men over a gang of women any day! I was completely shocked at girls behavior toward me. Talk about frozen souls. Those little girls were the meanest spirited females I have ever met. Needless to say, I went back to helping with tent city.

Hitch #7. Here comes Barney Fife. Imagine all 5'2" of rent-a-cop with the big wad of chew telling these gang-bangers it is time to quiet down. Gutsy little guy. He didn't stay long. I am sure he knew it was a bad plan. At this point, Steve looks at me and we both knew this tent was not going to be up tonight. I went to make the bed out and he followed shortly.

Hitch #8. The air mattress we brought was the twin size instead of the queen size. Ok. No problem. We need some serious snuggle anyway. Would have been pretty cool had the damn thing held air. By the way, still raining.

Hitch #9. Campground rules. No fights. Well that one is out the window. No fireworks. Do roman candles fall under that heading? Saw plenty of those. No firearms. As I am shivering in my damp clothes in my sleeping bag I am just happy fist fighting is the worst that has happened at this point. Then the gunshots start. Then the car alarms start. Then the fights rev up again. By this time Steve is so pissed he is in the car. I am at the point of "lets just get this damn thing over with", trying to sleep off the tequila and all hell breaks loose. Steve is pissed beyond pissed and decided it is time. Time for what I ask? Yes, you got it. We are loading our crap in the car. Wet tent. Flat mattress. Damp sleeping bags. Exhausted german shepard. Did I mention it is now 4 A.M.????

We tore out of that slum-lord hell spitting gravel and screaming at each other out of pure frustration. We fought valiently for 2 hours, calmed down, I of course cried for most of it, then we finally started communicating. He had the same vibe I had when we went into the pit of hell. He went through with it because he thought I wanted to and he wanted to give me my first float trip. I squashed my feelings of camping on Quindaro because I wanted for him to be happy about camping.

Can you imagine???

At least there was no traffic on the way home, and the dog slept through the trip with no kibble chucking. We slept all day, regrouped, dried out everything, washed the sleeping bags and headed off for a wonderful camp experience at Smithville lake. Had the fire, no fights, people quiet and just outdoors for the joy of being outdoors. We still couldn't see stars because we were only 20 minutes from KC, but hey, we had lightening bugs and no gunshots. Good trade.

This is your brain, This is your brain after Anatomy & Chinese Meridian. Get the picture?

Jody's Blog, always my first stop of the morning was an eye opener, ok not an opener but a "what the hell?" moment. She writes book reviews, posts them, submits them, or however the food chain goes, they are out there. Now Amazon picks them up and SELLS them? Check out her blog. It is suprising how the monolith rolls over us and we never see it coming.

Yes, my head is officially a natural disaster. I wonder if the EPA should be notified? Maybe HAZMAT? At least someone needs to put me on the recipient list for comfort food donations. After trying to understand Anatomy and Physiology, which mind you is being presented like a foriegn language in speed-read mode, then topping it off with an intense round of Chinese Meridian theory, which is completely opposite of Western medical theory, I am exhausted. I even dreamed about this crap last night. It might not have made sense, but who says cars don't have pressure points when you wash them? In my dream they did, although for the life of me I can't remember how my Honda communicated that information as I washed it with a super size scrubbie.

So, knowing my head is the consistency of tapioca this morning, do you think it was a good idea for me to reformat my computer this weekend on top of it? What the H E double toothpicks was I thinking???? It must be that "works well under pressure" T-shirt hanging in the back of my closet. Right next to my "doesn't share well" and "Procrastination Queen" apparel. Yeah, that's the ticket. snark snark.

For the whole two people that might read this, please send me an email. I missed backing up my addresses before I hit the "are you sure you really really REALLY want to switch to XP??" button and launched myself into to mini-migrain mode.


hhmmmm.... I wonder which meridian has the "calgon, take me away" pressure point? If I find it, know up front I will use it relentlessly. Why? Because I can. But I will share the information with you... don't you feel better?

Breathing easier

Yes, today I am more at ease in my skin after passing my first anatomy exam. I was a nervous wreck but it worked out in the end. Stressing out doesn't do anyone any good, and I just keep taking that lesson over and over. Someday it will stick. Not today.

Alaska is burning again this year. Very early for a large scale burn as far as fire season goes, but hopefully from what I can glean from the net, it is better controlled at this point. Honestly? I don't think "control" is a good word for it when you have Xthousand acres burning/smoldering at any given time. But, I do know the hard work the firefighters put into making sure it only gets to a certain point before it runs out of fuel. Unfortunately, the sappy environmentalists have guaranteed job certainty for people like my son with millions of acres of dead trees waiting to be cleaned up by Mother Nature. Jody' blog http://www.jodypryor.com/blog/ keeps me most informed since it is in her back yard, literally.

Jody, if you have to run, I can give you a list of things I miss most. Baby pictures of my kids. My jewelry. My favorite kitchen gadgets, ei: spatula from the restaurant, super-size whisk, huge round iron griddle mom gave me, the quilt from gramma, my cat, my journal, ...

But I have everything that matters most, and starting from scratch can be cathartic. Although the gentle insanity from wondering "do I have that here, or did that burn" really never leaves. Thinking back now it was really trippy to take my kids to the store for tooth brushes and underwear so we could even get dressing the next day. It is more of a surrealistic memory, tempered by time, eased by that lovely gift called shock. Like you have heard me say a hundred times, the best worst thing that happened to me. Hopefully you will never be forced to truly "know" about it.

Caught napping

April 20. 4:20 by any other name. Most of my friends are happily celebrating this spring holiday today. I just woke up from a nap. Bet they will be doing the same thing before long. Although my nap was a well deserved chunk of personal pampering I needed and not a midcelebration break.

Somatic therapy is becoming a wide open question mark. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE getting my hands in the oil and really working out a muscle group, however, the modalities we are studying and the speed they are cramming them down us is very difficult. Last time I took anatomy I spent 3 days a week and a dissection lab studing the human form. Luckily I did very well, and it is serving me to get through this cram course. This time I get 8 four hour sessions with nothing more than a text book and a good (or marginal, depending on the day) memory. This is a hundred times tougher than college.

Never let someone sell you a bill of goods that "trade school" or "career learning" is easier or even faster than college. It just ain't so. BA degrees scoff at those of us who chose this route. I say to them... stick it! It is an amazing journey, but "easy" is not part of the ride.

Scott "Oscar" .... always ready with the right hook when I need it!

Wow... nice right hook!

Holy cow did I get JUST what I needed today. Yes, I agree Scott. I am drowning in self pity and it makes me feel shitty. Thanks for being there when I need it. And with that being said, did I ever get plowed under by "doin' the mom-thing" this weekend.

Saturday was Derek's first Prom. I hemmed and hawed about going because I just refuse to subject myself to the judgment of my old life, but I sucked it up and went just for Derek's sake. It was totally worth it to see him in a tux for the first time and picking up his first date with all the nervous energy. I did go to Downs to get his flowers for Emily and saw some old friends there. What a strain that was. Walking into the flower shop was an interesting feeling, but we all survived it with relatively few scrapes.

Then I raced back to KC because Sarah was coming down Saturday night to spend the night before going to pick up a puppy for her father on Sunday.

Her car broke down in Topeka and luckily I had not gone through at that point, so she caught a ride with me to KC from there. Sunday we went to Columbia MO to get the new puppy then back to Topeka to meet her dad and retrieve her car. As I was driving back to KC on Sunday night, I figured the hours I had spent in the car from Friday night to Sunday could have easily landed my butt in the Grand Canyon had I just kept going. Maybe next time....

School is just an awesome experience. I can hardly wait for Tuesdays and Thursdays. We have started Swedish massage classes, so we are literally a "hands on" class now. One of the best things is being in the same head space with people who actually think like I do for the first time in my life. Is that shallow? Not that others in my life didn't challenge and expand me, but body workers have a skewed view besides being the pinnacle of procrastinators. What a riot to see 14 other people show up for class like I do and we are all doing the cram and slam with the homework issue. Apparently it is a prerequisite to be a procrastinator. No lie. They actually told us that on the first day of Ethics class. G-d, I have found my niche!

I have to do 30 massages (free) on anyone who will allow me before the end of June. It is part of the requirement for graduation. Poor Steve is already looking at me with a distinct look of "oh shit, again???" when I approach him. Poor baby. Suppose I should seek more volunteers?

Well, it is Monday, I do have homework (which we all know I will excuse away until tomorrow) but the trash man is not as generous, so I better go put it at the curb before I am stuck with two weeks worth instead of one.

And just for those who read this, here is a picture of my bestestestest friend who can just smack me precisely when I need it in just the right way.

Thanks Scott. You rock!

Today is Friday. I sit here not quite sure I really want to write this because of the aftershocks should anyone but me ever read it. ~sigh~

I am just at a loss as to my children. I have done the best with the abilities and frailties and challenges presented to me. I have worked like a dog to make sure everyone is happy or at least settled with all decisions and implications. Nothing seems to be telling me it was worth while. None of them (except for Ian and Nick) accept the fact I am married and years ago moved on with my own life, first alone then with my significant other. I am frankly just sick of playing namby-pamby with their collective feelings and getting the shitty end of the stick every time.

Derek, bless his little heart, does really try to stay connected with me and I love and recognize his work for that, but Sarah and Jake are not so good about it. Sarah has a million and one reasons she can't come to see me but she will drive 6 1/2 hours to get a damn dog for her dear old Daddy-o, and Jake makes promises about spending time with me then breaks each and every promise but will drive to KC at a moments notice to pick up or drop off friends at the airport. Am I just imagining this? My feelings are mine. I feel like the resident tumor everyone can see but noone wants to deal with. It is an ugly feeling.

Ridiculous

I, too, am watching with interest the Terri Shiavo fiasco. Like many people, it has touched a part of my heart I don't really like to acknowledge. Yes, the court system and her "loving" husband are starving her to death but more accurately they are forcing her death to occur through dehydration.

What kind of moronic mentality can justify this? Have these people never studied the workings of the human body on even so much as an elementary level? It is, according to my teachers and human physiology text books a long cruel and painful process to endure. Plus, I have a personal knowledge of a remotely similar experience, and let me tell ya, it just plain sucked. It was one of those moments in time that tend to forge you in a particular fashion, never to change after that.

Someone whom I loved as my mother died in basically this same fashion, however, she was terminal and would never have a quality of life. She was dying anyway and the end for her was simply an inability to nourish her ravaged body or even swallow in the end. It was excruciating to witness. I remember like it was yesterday, wiping her lips with the little pink spongy thing the hospice brought in and she would literally bite the sponge to get water. They told us it was a physiological reaction. Who knows if they were right. Who actually cares. It personally made me feel like I was being the most heartless person in the world even though I could not do a damn thing for her.

Yes, I know the cancer killed her in the end. But after personally witnessing someone being unable to take in nourishment or water, what they are doing to this Florida woman has gone beyond cruel and unusual. Come on people! Wake up! Animals in the pound get better consideration when it comes to life support or removing it.

I spoke at length with my sister regarding this just last night. She feels they are totally justified in doing what they are doing. Her view of "quality of life" is different than mine. She is all about "pulling the plug if I can't take care of myself". Ok. Fine. Terri's family does not share the same view, and just who the hell is the American Court System to tell them differently? I can't imagine the agony they are experiencing not being able to provide care for their daughter. If that was one of my children lying in that bed, I would be in prison before they kept me from giving her something as simple as water or nourishment. Keep in mind, Terri is not terminally ill. She is not being ravaged by some incurable horror. She simply has a "husband" who wants to move on with life and his new family, thereby negating his current responsibilities. Fine! Give her custody back to her parents and let them deal with it. That seems to be all they ever wanted in the first place, ten long years ago.

Massage therapist...me?

I did it. I went to my first day of classes and loved every second. Well almost every second except the guilt over ignoring my own nutritional health for so many years. Yes, my own health is a wreck and fixable through personal committment, but laziness is a way of life for junk foodies like me. It is just so EASY to pull into the drive through or stop at the deli on the way home. Do you suppose this is part of the prod from the Higher Powers to get my life in shape? hhhmmmm.......

The two teachers I was introduced to yesterday were enjoyable. Both presented dry and flushable information in an interesting and approachable manner. Nutrition is changing at the speed of light right now and everything we learn will be null if we don't push for self-education. Ethics are as easy or as hard as a practitioner wishes to make them. To me it seems like common sense and common courtesy, but complicated by free-will and open interpretation. It seems the hard part will be making my clients think as I do while in my space. Then it comes down to do I want their money or do I want control? hhhmmm....

College is never a time of narrowing choices, only a time of expanding horizons. It could be said it is not the same for a "trade school", but it would not be true. It is what I love about diving back into the education process. Stretch marks on the brain are always a good thing.

Having a 45 minute commute through some of the most congested traffic in KC does give me time to mull it over, that is if the insane drivers here would STOP thinking my cushion room between me and the car in front of me is their personal slot to crowd into. Jezzuss people, have we never heard of defensive driving???? What the hell exactly do they think the "3 car lengths" thingy is about? And lets face it there is just something freaky about being stopped completely in a lane, waiting to get on the off-ramp, and having semi's doing 65 mph fifteen inches from my honda. find your happy place lori, find your happy place.......

My ethics teacher, a LMT from Nebraska, (ew) spoke about how the massage process for 99% of the clients will cause physical and emotional reactions where people will laugh, cry, and unload their soul with no ablity to stop the onslaught, especially when the deep tissue work is being done. I have always been a good listener, so this part will not be different, but when I am receiving the session, am I ready to open up like that? Another big hhhhmmmmmmm........

Hope my team of Guardians is ready for this one.

Time to study! more later....

Not worth blogging?

I tried to post this comment on Jody's blog http://www.jodypryor.com/blog/ , but as we all know, the great and powerful OZ only has a sense of humor at certain hours of the day so I will just blog it here. ~Nyah~ to you OZ.

Blogging should not have to have power rock-your-world comments in every topic. A dear friend said to me some of the most profound things he has read were simply everyday feelings written out that went straight to his soul. With that being said.....

Hot flashes, sick children, having a job chomping at the bit to ax you, spouse issues, money challenges, and on and on and on are all things that affect each of us on a daily basis. I am am extremely simple person. I know the political big wigs are messing with my happy spot, but let's get real. Can we really do anything about it?

Hell no. I would like to say our little tiny voices in the mist penetrate at some level. That's not gonna happen.

Is blogging about making a difference? No, not exactly. It does tend to make one feel better in the long run. Venting in a written form can be beneficial on several levels. It helps me tremendously to journal things and read later the state of mind I was in. One of my favorites is about my dad. It reduces me to 7 years old at the drop of a hat. Not bad for a country girl with a high school education.

Jody, blog your hot flashes. You are the Alaskan Grandmother. There is great joy in life stories. They seem very small and insignificant compared to the political facade of our current regime, but to me seem more profound than Bush's bullshit stacked in a pile.

Back to our regular program.... it's spring. Time to check the fences.

Hindsight is...

brutal. Review always helps and I didn't. Consequently, I blogged basically the same shit I wrote 3 months ago. What an idiot.

And I am being paid to write? What a joke. HA! Definitely a "three stooges" moment....

later....

Dear Scott

Since it has been a long dry spell at bloggertown, I am actually doing as I threatened. Scotty, I loves ya but I am cutting and pasting just as I said I would. Here's hoping it will kick start the brain currently on bypass.

It was nice to get your E back. I am glad you caught me up on all your happenings. Mine are a big swirly when I stop and think about it all since September ... between the wedding (oy) quitting a job, getting a job, a free lance writing gig for a magazine, midlife crisis crap and (finally) kicking the vicaden habit, my life needs a breather.

Now, if there were only funds available for a weekend at the beach, a blanket to wrap up in, a nice bon fire, and no noise but waves crashing I think I could scrape my shit back in a pile. Until then....... hhmmmm.....

OH and then there are my kids. wow. who'd a thought my oldest would be the heroic son of a bitch, my daughter would be a carbon copy of dear old mom, my 16 year old would be a law breaker, my 11 year old would have medical issue hammering him, and my baby (my little empath) would be 8! by now. Gawd I am old.

Sept. The wedding was pretty cool. Rained like a bitch but that made it really feel like the beach, which is want I wanted. Not a big crowd, but everyone that showed had a ball, and who can ask for more. A really cool part was after it was over, we were driving home to get the luggage for a couple days away and the golf course next door to us was shooting off huge fireworks. The perfect ending considering we originally planned the whole thing for July 4. Sweet.

Oct. The doc finally declared me at medical maximum improvement and I had to go back to work at the airport. This time I really started to enjoy being in the middle of 2000 people a day. I changed gates (went from US Air to Delta) and made some great friends. When the company found out I was never going to be able to lift 70 lbs again, they wanted to fire me on the spot. I kicked a fit and got an extra 90 days out of them to get reevaluated, but knew it was just a window to find something else.

Nov. Holidays. Not my most shining moments. Hate 'em. Totally believe holidays are the emotional rape of humanity by the materialistic modernists out to keep 99.9% of us miserable.

Dec. See entry for Nov.

Jan. Started a job at ADT as an outbound dispatcher. "Good morning this is Lori with ADT Security Services. There is a burglar alarm going off at your location is everything ok there? May I have your password please? May I have your first and last name please? You have a good day!" "Oh your house is on fire? Don't worry hon, you can get a new one, I did." LOL... 8 hours a day. On my ass in a chair. On the phone. somebody help me. So that has made the midlife "gotta change this and follow my heart" thing really kick up a notch. I have been tossing around this idea of being a massage therapist for a year or so now. Today my light finally came on. I don't know why. I was sitting here reading your email and it just clicked. Just jump off! If this is what you want, focking go out there and get it. What de hell are you waiting on?? Sorry about the self talk. I should be blogging this,(yes I miss writing in my blog) but you get to be the lucky recipient. Maybe I will cut and paste this whole thing. ha.

My kids.... Jake is 22 and now teaching classes as a firefighter. He works 6 months a year on wildland fires and this winter he is traveling the midwest teaching fire science to community fire fighters. Where the hell did he come from????? If I didn't have the stretch marks to prove he is mine, and if he hadn't been the only baby born in Beloit that week I would swear they switched him. Oh. and he looks just like me... so I guess that wouldn't work. And he drinks just like the rest of my family, it breaks my heart but he is well on his way to becoming a high functioning alcoholic just like the rest of the McMurrays. Nuts don't fall far from the tree I am afraid.

Sarah. 20. Not much to say about that. She is beautiful, confused, trying and scared, but hanging in there just the same. At least she has not followed her brother into the drinking world, she is studying for a career in international agriculture (whatever the hell that is).

Derek. 16. Currently the newest pet in the court system in Jewell County. Not incarcerated at this point, but If he has another showdown like he had in October, ..... their football team went a long way this year but got beat at the state level... well you know how dumbshit jocks are, they all went out drinking after that. Dear old Derek, he was driving (YIKES) back to Jewell and the officer flashed his lights. Derek (fool) panicked and RAN from the cop, got caught and of course failed the breathalizer. I got a phone call at 4:30 a.m. with this kid crying hysterically on the phone... mom...mom... i am sorry... Shit Scott, I thought someone had died.
Well, he got his psych eval yesterday. I don't know how it came out (I personally think he has some very REAL issues, but getting my ex to talk about that would be like the mountain actually moving to Mohammad) and then there is the whole diversion case to be worked out.... Yep, see why I need a weekend at the beach??? :)

My youngest two are still innocent and would it be horrible if I home schooled them in a cabin in the woods somewhere? Ok, I am waiting for MTTI to call me back. I hope they have a session starting soon and a way for me to make bank while at school... meanwhile, I have to get this magazine story finished. Deadline is the 23rd and I am just happier writing to you instead of their crap. ha.

Tell me about your school!!! And by the way, it sounds like moving out was a great deal for you! congrats...

As always, Lori